To the Broken-Hearted & Coming to the Light

Curled on my floor, knees tucked into my chest, tears started to gently fall from my cheek. Washed away from reality and drowning in the feeling of helplessness. Betrayal and confusion sat over me like a cloud, the air around me felt sharp and my chest was carrying a weight it could not bear. Shattered completely.

I remember at that moment speaking to God for the first time out loud. Looking up at my cream-colored ceiling with puffy eyes and a stuffy nose, in a frustrated tone I said, “I don’t get why this happened but what I do know is Your ways are higher than mine and I have no choice but to look to You and believe in that.”  

That same night I experienced the presence of God for the very first time. 

Hyperventilating, laying flat on my back on the living room floor to then being completely still with eyes so dry you would have never thought I was crying, aside from the puffiness. 

He blanketed over me with a peace I've never felt before. 

As that week went on, the trees were a different color and to feel Him in the breeze was everything. 

I had found all that I had been longing for.

In the midst of healing from someone who God used in order to turn me from a complete atheist to a believer, who then chose to go separate ways, I wrote this:

   I was oblivious to the power that is held in complete silence until you left. You appeared so out of the blue, but that’s what I needed you the most. There was something about you. As time went on you shared that light more and more. One minute there was such a significant amount of light and the next there was what felt like complete darkness. And unannounced depth of darkness. A depth of confusion, betrayal, and heartache. A depth so deep that the only way to look at that light that stuck around when you didn’t. For he was there for me. Even when I was so foolish to only want you. Even when I was so foolish to think that you’d  just pick up the phone and call back. Even when it felt like the silence completely filled the room. My selfish desires led me to chaos. Life fell out of whack, but that light kept me grounded. And even though it wasn’t you, it sure did remind me of you. You showed me who true love is. My deceitful heart and rambling mind wanted to believe that that love came from you, but it didn’t. It came from what was inside of you. For you left and He chose to stay. Your choice of my absence from your life was the beginning of His presence in mine. I choose him because He chooses me. I do now understand why you were only temporary so I would lean on him and not my own understanding. You brought the lamp, broke it- and the one who stayed behind shows me every single day what that real love that I ever so desired from you looks like. Picking up all of the pieces that you broke, and even though you went silent it gave Him more than enough room to speak. I was oblivious to the power that is held in complete silence until you left. 

Psalm 34:18 reads, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” 

Heartbreak is difficult but how beautiful of a healer is our God. 

Turn to Jesus; He is as close as your very next breath. He will pick up every single piece.